Weekly Ugly Report #5: Dives, VAR and a Weekend to Forget

There are ugly football matches, and then there are matches that arrive wearing a sash marked Please Nominate Me.

Everton 1–0 Ipswich gave us the complete sampler: a scrappy scoreline, a red card, simulation, an already-booked player deciding to roll the dice again, and a VAR argument about a goal that briefly existed before being escorted from the premises.

Abdul Fatawu had already been booked when he received a second yellow card for simulation. That is a bold choice. Once you are on a yellow, the traditional advice is to avoid doing anything that makes the referee think, “Right, you as well.”

Everton then thought Thierno Barry had made it 2–0, only for VAR to rule it out because Brennan Johnson was judged to be interfering with the goalkeeper from an offside position.

Diving. Dismissal. VAR. One goal. Three points. Several thousand people muttering about thresholds.

A near-perfect Ugly Game specimen.

The reigning champions went to Brighton and left with a 3–0 defeat, which is already doing plenty of heavy lifting.

But Arsenal, being committed professionals, added a late loss of composure for the highlights package. Deep into stoppage time, Declan Rice was booked after a clash with Malick Yalcouyé, followed by the usual national seminar on whether yellow was enough.

There was also criticism of Gabriel for apparent simulation, because apparently one humiliation was not quite enough texture for the afternoon.

A three-goal defeat is bad. A three-goal defeat with late handbags and diving discourse is much more our department.

Manchester United's afternoon at Fulham began with Lisandro Martínez scoring an own goal and improved only in the narrow technical sense that they did not lose.

Matheus Cunha rescued a point with an 89th-minute equaliser, which is the kind of thing that sounds heroic until everyone remembers it was required because the rest of the afternoon had looked so tired.

Álvaro Arbeloa complained afterwards about refereeing decisions. Fulham covered substantially more distance than United. Cunha questioned United's energy afterwards.

At some stage, when the opposition manager is annoyed, the running numbers are unflattering and your late equaliser feels less like a comeback than a polite apology, it may be fair to say the vibes need attention.

Coventry recorded their first Premier League win in 25 years, which should have been allowed to exist as a clean little football story.

Naturally, VAR brought paperwork.

Forest thought Igor Jesus had scored a late equaliser. VAR ruled it out.

A historic win for Coventry, another small entry in the week's growing archive of goals that briefly lived among us.

Tottenham finally scored their first Premier League goals of the season.

They lost 3–2.

They were booed off by their own supporters.

No further embroidery required.

Eight goals at the Etihad, which puts this more in the chaotic column than the disciplinary one.

Brian Brobbey scored a hat-trick for Sunderland and still finished on the losing side, a personal achievement delivered inside a collective sigh.

There are many cruel things in football. Scoring three away at Manchester City and leaving with nothing is one of the tidier examples.

Friday night gave us Brentford 3–0 Chelsea, with all three goals arriving in the second half.

Another London club collapsed, another set of supporters stared into the middle distance, and the weekend had not even properly started.

Leeds beat Newcastle 4–1, then later drew 0–0 with Crystal Palace, which is a tidy little emotional range.

Newcastle also beat Hull 2–1, Bournemouth lost 1–0 to Liverpool, and the Premier League continued to provide just enough order between the nonsense to keep the table legal.

Seen the ugliest game, dive, VAR decision or general footballing misfortune of the week? Excellent. That is what the vote page is for.