The Weekly Ugly Report: Boots, Bottlers and Absolutely No Shots on Target

Arsenal beat Chelsea 2-1, recovering after Morgan Rogers had put Chelsea ahead after only 77 seconds. Riccardo Calafiori also had a goal disallowed for offside before Kai Havertz and Martin Ødegaard completed the comeback.

The properly ugly bit arrived in a goalmouth scramble, when Gabriel's boot caught Emiliano Martínez in the face as he tried to play the ball. Referee Chris Kavanagh showed no card, VAR reviewed it, and no red-card recommendation followed.

That is the sort of moment where everyone suddenly becomes a slow-motion biomechanics expert. Boot to goalkeeper's face: no card. Goal with someone fractionally offside: deploy the satellites.

Tongue firmly in cheek, obviously. They are different offences with different tests. It is just very Premier League that the weekend's visual centrepiece looked less like a football incident and more like a goalkeeper losing an argument with a stud.

Nottingham Forest 0-0 Tottenham was less a football match than a polite notice that the beautiful game had taken the afternoon off.

Neco Williams thought he had scored for Forest, only for VAR to rule it out because he was adjudged to have handled the ball while bundling it over the line. Tottenham failed to score, failed to register a shot on target, and have now failed to score in their opening three league games for the first time since 1980.

Nearly £400m spent in the summer. Zero shots on target at the City Ground. Somewhere, a finance director quietly closed the spreadsheet.

There is a fine line between controlled football and football so controlled that it forgets the opposition goalkeeper exists. Spurs spent much of this one admiring that line from the wrong side.

Hull City 0-0 Aston Villa gave us history of the bleakly useful kind. Aston Villa finally managed their first shot on target of the Premier League season.

They still did not score. They remain without a league goal. But progress is progress, and in this house we celebrate any attempt to trouble a goalkeeper before the leaves turn.

Aston Villa had already lost 1-0 to Arsenal earlier in the week, Bukayo Saka scoring the winner, so their seven days can be summarised neatly: one defeat, one goalless draw and one shot on target arriving like a late parcel.

Fulham 2-3 Crystal Palace had maximum chaos per square metre. Fulham produced 25 shots, six on target and around 3.13 xG. Palace produced three goals. Unfortunately for Fulham, the Premier League remains stubbornly committed to counting the latter.

Daichi Kamada had an early Palace equaliser ruled out after a tight VAR offside decision, because even the chaos had paperwork. Tyrick Mitchell's second came after Fulham failed to clear a fairly tame effort with the urgency of people looking for a missing TV remote.

Then came the winner. Bernd Leno appeared to bring down Khalaili, but before anyone needed the penalty routine, Ben Chilwell put the loose ball into an empty net.

Some defeats feel unfair. Some feel self-inflicted. This one somehow managed to be both a statistical complaint and a defending seminar nobody wanted to attend.

Ipswich Town 0-2 Liverpool was over quickly enough on the scoreboard, with Alexander Isak scoring twice inside the opening nine minutes and Kjell Scherpen enduring the sort of evening that should come with a skip intro button.

The uglier moment came in the 53rd minute. Jérémy Jacquet, already on a yellow, challenged Emersonn from behind. Ipswich wanted a second booking. Remarkably, no foul was awarded.

When you have already got a yellow card, the traditional strategy is to be careful. Jacquet instead tested whether the referee remembered giving him the first one.

Liverpool were later given a penalty for a challenge on Dominik Szoboszlai, only for VAR to spot Szoboszlai had been offside earlier in the move. The penalty was packed away again, because goals, fouls and feelings are all provisional until further notice.

Brentford 1-1 Sunderland was a small exhibition in administrative teasing. Dan Ballard had a Sunderland goal disallowed for offside. Brentford then thought Anthony had made it 2-0, only for his tap-in to be ruled out for a foul on goalkeeper Robin Roefs.

Then Keane Lewis-Potter was penalised for holding Wilson Isidor, and Enzo Le Fée converted the 82nd-minute penalty.

A goal, another goal, neither of them goals, then a penalty. Somewhere in Stockley Park somebody earned their tea break.

Newcastle United 2-2 Bournemouth offered a masterclass in how not to calm the room. Bournemouth went 2-0 up, helped along by a Malick Thiaw own goal, and could briefly smell three points.

Then Harvey Barnes scored for Newcastle 27 seconds after the restart following Bournemouth's second. Nothing settles the nerves after going 2-0 up quite like conceding before everyone has finished saying 'game management'.

Jacob Ramsey eventually scored Newcastle's late equaliser, adding another entry to Bournemouth's growing folder marked Winning Positions We Decided To Make Interesting.

Everton 2-2 Manchester United gave United the lead twice, which statistically gave them two separate opportunities to stop Everton equalising. They declined both.

Bryan Mbeumo scored 61 seconds after half-time, Tyrique George equalised, Benjamin Sesko restored United's lead in the 88th minute, and then Ainsley Maitland-Niles marked his Everton debut with a superb stoppage-time equaliser.

No ridicule for that finish. It was excellent. The UGA material is United reaching the late-game control section of the manual and apparently finding several pages stuck together.

Everton also got a very particular contribution from Thierno Barry, who generated plenty of xG without putting a single effort on target. Football remains cruelly attached to the target part.

Brighton 1-1 Leeds United deserves a nod for Leeds discovering the innovative tactical approach of creating chances without the unnecessary complication of scoring them. Dominic Calvert-Lewin, Anton Stach and Ao Tanaka all had chances before Brighton equalised.

Manchester City 1-0 Coventry City was less comic collapse, more honourable ugly mention. Erling Haaland scored the only goal, Coventry had chances, and they remain without a Premier League goal after their opening three matches.

Seen the ugliest Premier League moment of the week? Good. The evidence is in, the eyebrows are raised, and the vote page is waiting.