The Weekly Ugly Report: Hands, Broken Boards and Spurs Again

Manchester United beat Ipswich 5-2, which should probably be enough football for one line. Naturally, the afternoon also gave us a handball debate with just enough legal texture to make everyone at home reach for a flowchart.

During United's second goal, Harry Maguire appeared to accidentally handle the ball before his attempt eventually deflected off Jacob Greaves and went in as an own goal. VAR checked it. The goal stood. And, irritatingly, both of those statements can apparently be true.

This is where football invites somebody in a studio to begin a sentence with the word 'Technically', which is never a sign that joy is about to flourish. The relevant law means an accidental attacking handball is not automatically an offence when the player who handled it is not the player who ultimately scores.

So yes, Maguire handled it. Yes, Ipswich could reasonably look annoyed by the whole business. And yes, the goal survived because football's rulebook occasionally behaves like a tax form wearing boots.

The Ugly Game Awards exists for this exact sort of moment: nobody has necessarily broken the law, but everyone involved now sounds like they are arguing a parking fine.

Liverpool's 2-2 draw with Nottingham Forest delivered a proper little museum piece of administrative chaos. Liverpool were trying to make a triple substitution in the second half, only for the fourth official to have problems with the electronic substitution board.

The ball went out more than once. The changes still did not happen. Play continued, because apparently the Premier League can survive many things but not a board having a difficult afternoon.

Then Forest attacked. Alisson fouled Neco Williams. Penalty. Morgan Gibbs-White scored it. The broken board did not award the penalty, of course, but it delayed the substitutions immediately before the move that produced it, which is precisely the sort of cause-and-effect soup managers are built to stare into for days.

Liverpool manager Andoni Iraola complained that the changes had been delayed for more than two minutes and believed the penalty situation would not have happened had they been allowed on.

Millions spent on players. State-of-the-art stadium. Global television audience. Defeated by the electronic equivalent of 'computer says no'.

Newcastle beat Tottenham 2-0, with second-half goals from Anthony Elanga and Yoane Wissa. That means Spurs have opened with two defeats, five conceded and none scored.

There are ways to begin a season quietly. This is not one of them.

After last week's 3-0 loss at Brentford, Tottenham presumably hoped for something restorative. Instead, they offered the Weekly Ugly Report the one thing every editor secretly wants: recurring characters.

Two matches. Five conceded. None scored. At least the column has found a reliable content partner.

Chelsea beat Brighton 4-3 in a match that did not so much unfold as spill across the floor. Roméo Lavia, Pedro Neto and João Pedro put Chelsea ahead, Brighton fought back, a João Pedro own goal joined the paperwork, and Cole Palmer eventually scored Chelsea's fourth.

Seven goals, an own goal and defending apparently available by prior appointment only.

This was not ugly in the classic disciplinary sense. Nobody needs a tribunal for entertainment. But chaos is part of the UGA diet, and this match had the energy of a group project submitted at 11:58pm.

By Sunday evening, we'd all earned the introductory certificate in Accidental Handball Studies.

Manchester City beat Crystal Palace 4-1, and early on the ball struck Jørgen Strand Larsen's arm in the Palace penalty area. No penalty was given. VAR checked and confirmed the decision because the ball had hit his body or leg before his arm.

That may be correct. It may even be sensible. It is also another reminder that Premier League weekends now come with mandatory continuing professional development.