The Weekly Ugly Report: Welcome Back, We've Missed This Nonsense

The beautiful game returned with VAR, penalties, red cards, defensive meltdowns and enough stoppage-time drama to remind us why the Ugly Game Awards exists. The summer break is over. The nonsense has clocked in early.

Aston Villa made a particularly bold contribution by losing 4-0 to Brighton and conceding all four goals inside the opening 31 minutes. Some teams ease into a campaign. Villa appeared to open the door, see the season standing there, and immediately trip over the welcome mat.

As if going four down in half an hour was not enough jeopardy, João Gomes then completed an awful Premier League debut by kicking out at Georginio Rutter. The referee initially showed yellow, VAR recommended an on-field review, and the decision became a straight red for serious foul play.

This is the sort of debut that should come with a receipt. Not content with being introduced to the Premier League in a match already sprinting away from his team, Gomes managed to upgrade the afternoon from bad to commemorative.

Villa were being dismantled, and then they added a VAR-assisted dismissal before half-time. Efficiency, if nothing else.

Brentford beat Tottenham 3-0, which is the kind of scoreline that arrives carrying its own smell. The UGA moment came with Rodrigo Bentancur's challenge on Kevin Schade for Brentford's penalty.

The referee gave it. VAR confirmed it. The explanation was wonderfully unromantic: Bentancur was on the wrong side, bundled into the attacker and did not play the ball.

There are elegant defensive interventions. There are desperate but necessary defensive interventions. And then there are moments that look like a player trying to delete a problem by running directly through it.

Spurs would presumably prefer this whole match deleted from the cloud. Unfortunately, the internet exists, Brentford scored three, and the Weekly Ugly Report keeps notes.

Newcastle and Liverpool drew 2-2, saving one of the weekend's finest theatre productions for deep stoppage time. Víctor Muñoz went down after Lewis Hall's challenge. Referee Stuart Attwell awarded Liverpool a penalty. VAR checked it and confirmed the decision, citing clear contact and no contact with the ball.

Newcastle's manager described it as soft, which is manager-speak for a decision that will be discussed until everyone involved has aged visibly. Dominik Szoboszlai scored the penalty in the 99th minute, because apparently regulation time was too emotionally reasonable.

Nothing says football is back quite like spending the final minutes arguing about freeze frames, knees and thighs before somebody scores in minute 99.

The important thing here is not whether the decision was obviously wrong. That is not the joke. The joke is that the Premier League returned and immediately dragged everyone into the familiar swamp of contact, thresholds, replay angles and people using the phrase 'clear and obvious' with the sincerity of courtroom witnesses.

Manchester City beat Bournemouth 2-1 with late drama, because apparently even City are contractually obliged to include a VAR waiting room in the matchday experience.

A City goal was initially flagged for offside before being awarded after VAR determined the relevant player was onside. Lovely news for City, less lovely for the ancient human practice of simply celebrating a late goal when it happens.

The modern sequence is clear. First celebrate. Then stop. Then wait. Then find someone who understands the lines. Then celebrate again, slightly less like a person and more like someone whose parcel tracking finally updated.